This is a fun one for me. The short answer is no. The long answer is that while I may be more able to surmise certain things based on careful and highly attuned observation, I am not able to "read your mind" as it were. My work as a counsellor is essentially collaborative. We work together, not only to get to the heart of issues that are affecting your life, but also to move towards pertinent and effective solutions.

I receive this question a lot not only in my counselling office, but also in more casual settings talking with acquaintances and others whom I meet. It is a legitimate question and I certainly don't see it as a dig at what I do. While there are many distinctive differences between chatting with a friend and engaging with a counsellor in therapeutic process, here are a few important things to consider. Your counsellor is highly trained in the skill of effective and attuned listening and is also equipped with extensive knowledge in human development, interpersonal dynamics, biopsychosocial factors affecting human health and wellbeing, psychopathology, etc. S/he/they is/are trained in various modalities of psychotherapeutic interventions aimed at facilitating change in life-controlling issues. While listening and understanding, engaging and building rapport, developing a relationship and establishing trust are all crucial to the counselling process, these are held in conjunction with theoretically and empirically sound interventions used very intentionally for the sake of addressing issues that you have identified as problematic and/or distressing. Another piece to consider is that while some counsellors work more directively and others more facilitatively, an effective counsellor is not someone who seeks to give you advice or provide you with answers; instead, s/he/they is/are meant to help identify potential barriers to progress, growth, healing, etc., help build insight around what is needed in order to move in the direction you have set for yourself, apply pertinent tools and strategies to hopefully create helpful shifts whether in your perspective, in a set of behaviours, in a coping strategy, etc., and utilize psychological interventions in discerning and meaningful ways.

I understand that making the decision to start counselling is a big step. Moreover, I can recognize that the process of looking for a counsellor, deciding who to see, and trying to figure out what makes a counsellor a good fit can be intimidating and can, itself, be a massive hurdle to seeking services. Unfortunately, I am unable to meet for coffee to discuss services for several reasons. The first reason has to do with confidentiality. The nature of my work is both sensitive and private. The reason that I have clients sign a confidentiality agreement at the beginning of counselling is because this is a vital part of the work that we do - being able to ensure safety and confidentality with regards to what you are sharing is not only important, but ethical. If we are meeting in a public place to discuss the issues that you hope to bring to counselling, I am unable to ensure this confidentality which, in turn, violates an essential principle that makes the counselling work so sacred and safe. Another reason that I am unable to meet you for coffee to chat about counselling is because this puts us in a situation in which I am not really your counsellor yet and you are not really my client - the nature of our relationship is ambiguous. An important part of being in a counselling relationship is that there are no dual roles. It is necessary that we are not acquainted in other ways if I am to be an effective counsellor for you. I am intended to provide an objective perspective entirely focused on your best interests; this is not possible, if we are more casually acquainted. Avoiding informal interactions over coffee, then, helps to prevent the possibility of needing to navigate dual roles if we do, in fact, decide to move forward with counselling. Lastly, counselling is a professional service that I provide. It becomes difficult to set appropriate boundaries around my work when the lines get blurred over coffee dates and informal get-togethers. It is important to me that I maintain the integrity of my work and honour the practice of counselling. As such, I hope you can understand why it is that I am unable to pre-emptively meet with you for coffee as a means of determining fit-ness and suitability and/or providing support with regards to your decisions around pursuing counselling. If you have questions about counselling, you are certainly welcome to email me, however, and I am more than happy to dialogue with you in this way.  

Again, I completely understand that making the decision to start counselling, then picking up the phone and calling a complete stranger in order to book an appointment to discuss an issue that may be very private, very painful, and very difficult to open up about is daunting. However, it is important in counselling that the person engaged in the process is just that - engaged. It is necessary that they feel agentic in the act of pursuing counselling and empowered to make decisions surrounding their counselling. As such, I request that the person seeking counselling be available to chat about it when the call is made. That being said, you may be the person to pick up the phone, dial the number and speak with me in a preliminary way; at some point, I will then request to speak with the person whom I will be seeing as a client. Exceptions are made in the case of children under a certain age.

It is, in fact, a misperception that an issue needs to be "that bad" in order to seek out counselling. People pursue counselling for all kinds of reasons. Sometimes, a certain season of life warrants some helpful insight. Sometimes, we need support in the process of making certain shifts in our lives. Sometimes, we don't like the way things are going, but feel unable to affect the necessary change in order for things to go differently. Sometimes, we are aching deeply and have no idea why. Sometimes, crisis hits and we are looking for acute help. Other times, we are seeking to process years of painful memories and trauma. Maybe we've reached the end of our rope. Maybe things feel hopeless. Maybe things simply feel stale. Whatever the case, a counsellor is willing to parse out with you what is needed, and how counselling may be able to help and/or supplement other things that you are already doing. Counselling is supposed to fit and make sense in the context of your own, unique journey, and the process is meant to be relevant to where you are at and where you would like to be headed. In this way, it can be "that bad", it can be "not that bad", it can be "I have no idea how bad it is"; more essentially, if it's important to you, then it is important to me; if it is significant in your life, then it is worth giving attention and care to. Don't overthink it. If you've never attended counselling before, it doesn't hurt to give it a shot, and if it's been awhile, it might be a good round two. It is always a good idea to seek to unravel any knots that are keeping you from living a healthy, whole life. 

There is no hard and fast rule on this. Part of counselling is being patient, engaged, and intentional. You have the agency to make decisions regarding your counselling process, and if you start to feel that you've gotten what you need from counselling, it may be a good time to take a break and try some things on your own; other things take more time, and that is okay. A counsellor can help to support you in making those decisions and make certain recommendations, but ultimately, s/he/they will not be making those decisions for you. You are allowed to earnestly and honestly ask yourself: What is needed? What feels right for me? What is good for me? Your counsellor will come alongside you in that, whatever you decide.  

Probably not. This is not because I do not like you. Chances are, I really like you. But at the end of the day, it's not you, it's me. Due to the nature of the profession, it is important to maintain appropriate boundaries that faciliate good work in the therapeutic context. Some of the purposes for maintaining these boundaries are similar, if not the same, as the reasons for not grabbing coffee to chat about therapy. If you have further questions about this or are concerned about what it means to engage your counsellor appropriately, feel free to bring this up in any of your sessions. I know, for me, it is always okay to make the implicit explicit. If you are feeling confused about the therapeutic relationship, ask away! I am always happy to chat about these things openly.